Personal opinion/possible fact: 69 is the worst sex position ever invented. Allow me to explain with an extended metaphor.
I’d do most things in exchange for a back massage—my whole situation back there is nothing less than a hot mess. Unless, of course, that rub-down happens as part of a massage train, and I’m not sitting at the front. In that case, I pass as hard as humanly possible. How am I supposed to pay attention to the pleasurable sensations of a back massage when I also have to invest effort into someone else? It degrades the experience and I’m not having it.
Same thing almost always goes for 69, an abysmal sex position. Here you are, all jazzed to have someone go down on you, and then all of a sudden there’s this obligation to maneuver and suspend your body over, or next to, theirs. Neither configuration is comfortable. Why are we purposefully overcomplicating and ruining a nice thing?
Turns out, my opinion is a popular one. Among the 15 women who agreed to tell me about their least favorite sex positions, 69 came up—a lot. In fact, their loathing clustered in a few key places:
69 is the WORST
“69 is not fun and I think it was made up by people who want bodies to fit together in a way they don’t really [fit together]. Just go down on each other one at a time!” —Sandy*, 26
“My answer would be 69. I prefer when noses are pointed away from, rather than toward, assholes during oral sex.” —Liana, 28
“Probably 69…because it’s uncomfortable and I find it hard to multitask, ya know?” —Maddy, 30
“Well, it depends on the person—I’m on the small side, and if the dude is tall, it’s hard to do, um, anything where I’m on top. There’s some restriction re: leg movement, if the guy is really big and then my hips can’t move as freely. Otherwise, I hate 69. It is never fun and requires way too much concentration.” —Rebecca, 28
“TBH, I don’t really like 69. Maybe I haven’t done it enough, or with the right human, but it’s never been satisfying and it feels overly choreographed.” — Angelika*, 27
Shower Sex Isn’t So Steamy After All
“Also, shower sex. Maybe I also haven’t gotten it right but it’s too slippery and I fall.” — Angelika*, 27
“If you love getting water in your eyes, water up your nose, water in your—WHEREVER—then you’ll love shower sex.” — Brianna, 27
Being Pinned To A Wall Like A Bug Is NOT Cute
“I guess I would have to say up on a wall. Mostly because I always slide down it and it makes it so awkward. Seeing it in movies, when some big jacked guy is railing a tiny person, you think this is going to work for everyone. It doesn’t.” — Krista, 32
…Or Really Anything That Involves Standing
“The sexual position of someone holding you up—it’s impossible and bizarre and like, why are you trying to do this? I’m not an orangutan, I can’t climb for sh*t.” —Kit, 28
“The one position that still hasn’t done it for me—no matter how confident I get— is having sex while standing up. I’m an awkward person to begin with, and when you throw in trying to achieve penetration while balancing on one leg and usually leaning against some sort of unstable surface, it’s difficult—if not impossible—for me to feel any sort of real pleasure.” —Gabby, 27
Missionary Is Meh
“Probably missionary because often I feel a little forgotten if the other person isn’t looking at me.” —Char, 28
Literally Anything On A Beach
“Not a position, but sex on the beach blows. So much grit everywhere.” —Leigh, 29
(Girl, try these beach sex positions instead.)
Not All Oral Is Great…
“I don’t like sitting on someone’s face. I can’t get comfortable and I want to relax, but also not let go too much, and then I feel self conscious so just none of it is sexy to me.” — Kaitlin, 28
Reverse Cowgirl Is Overrated
“I’m not the biggest fan of reverse cowgirl. I feel a little self-conscious when I have my back to my partner, and never feel like I’m moving my pelvis the right way. And I feel like, if I sit on it in too ‘porn-y’ a way, I’ll look and feel foolish.” — Jenny, 26
Squatting On Top Is So Awkward
“My least favorite position is anything where I have to squat—like sitting on someone’s lap facing forward—because it makes me feel like a sexual frog and my quads are not equipped for such activity.” —Abby, 28
Anything That Involves Being A Human Pretzel
“Having my legs up over my partner’s shoulders rarely feels good, because it’s way too much pressure. Also, I feel like a pretzel and my legs cramp.” —Ashley, 27
*Names have been changed at subject’s request.
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