You hear it all the time: “If only I had closure!” But what does that even mean? “It’s about crafting a narrative so you can move forward productively after something traumatic,” says Joanne Davila, a professor of psychology. You crave it after a variety of crappy experiences; when you can’t make sense of something, your brain demands answers so you aren’t doomed to repeat whatever got you there. “Learning from your mistakes keeps you safe,” explains Davila – this survival tactic drives that intense need to know what went wrong. The good (and bad) news is that no one can give you closure but you…
Your Partner Ended Things
Is reaching out to an ex ever a good idea? Well, defo don’t do it when emotions are raw. You may just be in pain and want to soothe the burn, says psychology professor Leora Trub. Set a date a month in the future and promise you won’t text them until then. “Often, people say, ‘Of course I’m going to want to be in contact with my ex, who was my best friend.’ But once they take some time, they realise they don’t want that person in their life.” Resolution can come as you heal. Quick word to the wise: “You need to put the fantasy of the other person to rest,” urges Trub. “You can’t move on if you’re social media-stalking.” Unfollowing your ex or taking a break from Insta (so many mutual friends!) is ideal, but also mute anyone who posts pics with your former partner.
Your Group Grew Apart
Your crew will evolve as circumstances – and people – change, but it sure can hurt. Problem is, you’re less likely to mourn a friendship the way you would a romantic relationship, because there aren’t the same cultural norms around
a buddy breakup. So, do something to mark the end of this chapter, like writing a letter expressing what your mate meant to you and how you feel, tips Davila. No need to send it; simply recording a negative event can help to reduce stress, studies show. Researchers say doing so adds structure to anxious feelings so you understand them better.
You Lost Your Job
We spend a third of our lives at work, so it’s no surprise that losing your job – as many people have over the past year – can feel like a huge blow. You may not get straight answers about why you were on the chopping block (tbh, it probably wasn’t your fault) and, without info,
it can be easy to spiral:
‘I suck; no wonder they got rid of me.’ “Give yourself time to be upset,” Davila says. Then imagine someone you adore – a friend, a cousin – in your scenario, and think of the advice you’d give them. “Picturing someone specific makes it easier than just thinking ‘What would I say to a loved one?’” Trub adds.
You’ve Been Ghosted
Social rejection activates some of the same areas of the brain as physical pain, according to Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences research, so it’s normal to feel hurt if someone vanishes after four dates. Let yourself grieve, but message wisely. “The more you lash out, the less likely you are to get anything you want in return,” Trub says.
If you have to say something, send a declarative statement rather than a request, so you aren’t waiting for a reply. (Note: if they were capable of ending things respectfully, they wouldn’t have ghosted.) Trub suggests: “I was excited about connecting, so it’s disappointing that this happened. I’d love an explanation, but I’m not expecting one.” This way, you’re not waiting by the phone. Onward!
Been there, done that
Team WH share their stories of getting closure
1. Jess, digital writer
“Post-breakup, I found the Mend app to be truly life-changing. It’s like a PT for heartbreak, delivering daily audio messages and encouraging self-reflection.
2. Alex, commissioning ed
“Being made redundant felt personal, and only with time did I realise it wasn’t. When it happened again (media = tough!) I knew selfcare and support from loved ones were crucial.”
3. Lizza, editor-in-chief
“Losing my last boxing fight in a controversial split decision was devastating. But focusing on all the lasting things the sport gave me helped: like confidence, friends and my husband!”
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