Dear Coleen
My husband was given a second chance at life after beating cancer a year ago.
We were all so thrilled for him and massively relieved, as his prognosis wasn’t great when he was diagnosed.
I think it was a very sobering and humbling experience for him and he’s a changed person as a result.
I feel bad admitting this, but my problem is, a lot of the changes aren’t for the better. He seems to want to make the most of this second chance without me!
I wanted us to retire early and go travelling, which has always been a dream, and do all those other things we’d put off when we were working and raising children.
He, on the other hand, wants to do crazy stuff like skydiving and spending money on silly things we don’t need.
He’s also been doing a lot more on his own – seeing his male friends, golfing, fishing, watching football – all things that don’t involve me.
I’m feeling confused and shut out, and just want to have a period of calm now and enjoy the fact that he’s better, but he seems to have other ideas.
I’d love some words of wisdom.
Coleen says
He thought he was going to die and it can change your perspective on life. Now he wants to do exactly what he wants when he wants and has become a little bit selfish.
However, I also get that you’re feeling insecure and pushed out, and perhaps even a bit angry after being there for him during his treatment and recovery.
Why not talk to him about finding a balance? Don’t try to stop him from skydiving or whatever else he wants to do, but get away for a weekend or make time for something you both like.
This is probably also his initial reaction to hearing the good news – he’s euphoric, but those intense feelings will calm down.
Things very much changed for me when my sister Bernie died.
It was very sobering and it made me think about my own mortality and the time I had left.
I questioned whether I was happy, and I decided I wasn’t and that I needed to make changes.
You sound great and you’ve been through a lot with your husband, so I think you just have to find another little bit of ‘amazingness’ within and accept he has to do this stuff.
However, that doesn’t mean giving up on your happiness.
Tell him he’s welcome to jump out of planes, but ask him to think about you, too, because you’d like to enjoy life with him instead of being a bystander.
Good luck.
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