Dear Coleen: I’ve been seeing a boy my mum hates behind her back for a year

Dear Coleen

I’m a 17-year-old girl and I’m so in love with a boy, but my mum doesn’t know about the relationship. When I first started seeing him my mum didn’t approve – he’s not the sort of boy she would like me to date – so I carried on seeing him behind her back.

I see who he truly is, he treats me better than I could ever hope for and has the kindest heart in the world. However, he’s done some stupid things, which is what my mum doesn’t like.

It’s been going on for a year now and I’ve been lying to my mum when I go out to meet him. There’s no way she’d let me go to his house because she’s made it clear in the past that she doesn’t approve.

My worry is that I’ve lied for way too long to tell her now. And if I did tell her she would never trust me again. He means everything to me, so I don’t want to risk not being able to see him, but I hate lying to my mum and I cry over the situation at least once a week.

What do I do? I hate always telling my mum I’m “at a friend’s house”.

Coleen says

You’ve learnt the hard way that lying doesn’t pay – it just makes things worse and at some point you have to come clean because you realise you can’t carry on lying indefinitely. It’s very stressful, right?

It is also creating a barrier in your relationship with your mum and that’s not a nice feeling. You want to be able to confide in her about anything so I think you have to be very grown up here and tell her because, if you don’t, she’ll find out eventually.

She’ll see you one day, or a friend will slip up and spoil your story or someone else will tell her, and the fallout will
be worse.

I think you just have to ask her to give your boyfriend a chance. Instead of keeping him away, ask her if she’ll meet him properly at your house and, perhaps, if she gets to know him, she’ll start to see what you see in him.

I’m sure your mum’s fears are coming from a good place – she’s protective and wants the best for you.

But if you show her you’re mature enough to be honest and discuss things, then hopefully she’ll meet you halfway.

Your mum might want to set some ground rules – I’m sure one of those will be not lying to her again – and you’ll have to compromise too, if you’re still living at home.

Good luck.

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