Are YOU at risk of ‘boundary burn-out’? Take our 14-question quiz compiled by a top psychologist to find out
- To find out if your boundaries are in need of a overhaul – take our quiz below
- READ MORE: No10’s focus on Brexit ‘crowded out’ pandemic preparation plans
Millions of us are feeling overwhelmed by modern life angst.
Post-pandemic, we seem to be juggling an ever-increasing workload with the emotional ups and down of family life and relationships.
It can feel as if one more thing will tip us over the edge into a meltdown – especially given the last few years of turmoil we’ve all been through.
And a little known condition experts have dubbed ‘boundary anxiety’ could be partly to blame.
‘One important way to manage this anxiety and stress is to think about your personal boundaries and learn to identify your own needs within different relationships and areas of your life,’ says Dr Jillian Doyle, senior clinical psychologist at The Rotunda National Maternity Hospital, Ireland.
Post-pandemic, we seem to be juggling an ever-increasing workload with the emotional ups and down of family life and relationships
‘Healthy, clear, rules allow us to feel safe and respected both physically and emotionally. Reflecting on your own boundaries enables you to understand your limits so that you don’t become overwhelmed and can take better care of yourself,’ she adds.
‘In the long run this can help enrich relationships by building a foundation of openness and trust’.
It will also benefit our health, as reflected in numerous studies which have found that people pleasers with weak boundaries tend to score higher on anxiety scales and have an increased risk of serious conditions such as heart disease and diabetes.
It can feel difficult to say ‘no’ when as people we’re often conditioned to please – no matter the personal cost.
‘Interestingly, when it comes to the physical world – our home and workplaces – we’re usually very good at ensuring we create secure boundaries to protect our property and our privacy,’ says Professor Margareta James, a psychologist who works with traditional herbal medicine brand Avogel and founder of the Harley Street Wellbeing Clinic.
‘However, when it comes to protecting our emotional health, we’re much less likely to act.’
For example, if your boss asks you to stay late yet again at short notice, you might end up feeling angry about the unfairness of the situation and exhausted by all the extra work.
Yet speaking up can be such a frightening thought, you prefer to keep quiet and soldier on – suffering negative consequences to your health in the long run added by the extra stress you experience through the internal fight with yourself.
Learning to say ‘I’d rather not’ is something many of us need practice in. It’s not as if we get taught this vital life skill in school – or even by our parents who often unwittingly encourage their children to be people pleasers and not to challenge the status quo.
‘Depending on how we grew up, we have different ‘norms’ around us – in our families, at school, at work – that help us work out our personal boundaries,’ explains Professor James.
‘Social belonging is a really important part of the human experience and saying ‘yes’ to others can make us feel helpful and accepted.
However, it can also backfire if it’s done to the detriment of our own needs – and the signal this has happened is resentment, stress and exhaustion.
‘But while the benefits of pushing back can be daunting, you will find some of the people in your life actually appreciate them.
‘People often worry that boundaries will make them seem selfish or unfriendly and feel guilty about setting them,’ says Dr Doyle.
‘However, boundaries are one of the building blocks for managing stress, particularly interpersonal stress, and they can benefit both parties as they make it clear where each of you stand.’
In other words, we’ve nothing to lose and much to gain by being firm about what we’re comfortable doing – and not doing.
To find out if your boundaries are in need of a serious overhaul – take our quiz below.
QUIZ: How good are your personal boundaries?
Compiled by psychologist Professor Margareta James. Scroll below for the answers.
1. I find that I cannot say no to things even when I don’t feel like doing it or have the energy for it
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
2. I feel guilty about saying no to others’ requests
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
3. I find myself trying to fix other people’s problems even at the detriment of my own needs
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
4. I get angry / upset when others say no to me
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
5. I feel I am often ‘used’ because I don’t stand up for my own needs
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
6. I feel too weak to voice my own needs / I cannot seem to make myself heard and I get frustrated
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
7. I feel resentment towards people when their requests put too much pressure on me
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
8. I get angry / anxious about other’s requests that overwhelm me
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C -often
9. I feel uncomfortable expressing my own needs (including my body, energy, time, resources) without feeling guilty, fearful, anxious or stressed.
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
10. I am uncomfortable with expressing my true feelings and needs without getting stressed.
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
11. I get preoccupied by other people’s problems and spend a lot of my energy trying to help them
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
12. People can ask – any time, day or night – for my help and I immediately run to their rescue
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
13. People think of me as very friendly and I tend to allow them into my private space quickly
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
14. I tend to overshare my personal information and views with others quickly which I may regret later
A – rarely
B – sometimes
C – often
ANSWERS
Mostly As
Saying ‘no’ is never a problem for you as you have such firm boundaries. It’s important to you that other people respect these boundaries and in return you respect those of the people around you. You’re in touch with what is good for you emotionally and how to express your own needs – even if it means you may need to refuse requests from others when they want your time, energy or other resources. You’re comfortable with making yourself heard and not afraid to accept when others say ‘no’ to you. You have a well-developed self-awareness and know exactly what you do and won’t want. The only downside is you may go too far the other way and adhere too rigidly to your own life rules. To avoid this, try to push yourself out of your comfort zone every now and again by not immediately saying ‘no’ and trying some new experiences that might enrich your life.
Mostly Bs
You have some boundaries for yourself and some awareness of your own needs, however you find it difficult to express them at times. When you feel more confident and in a safe place, you find standing up for yourself easier. But other times you allow people to call upon you to solve their problems – even when you’re tired or overwhelmed yourself. You find it difficult to say ‘no’ to certain people in your life. Think for a second – are you afraid that they may think you’re selfish or mean? Do you sometimes feel anxious about how others perceive you and what they think of you? If you find yourself exhausted from the demands of your own life as well as other’s requests, you need to re-think your boundaries to protect your energy and resources. What do you need? Respecting and prioritising your own needs will help restore your energy levels and eventually, setting healthy boundaries will ensure you feel less stressed and anxious all-round.
Mostly Cs
You seem to be using up a lot of your energy figuring out the solutions to other people’s problems. You’re a good listener and getting involved in other’s lives probably gets you some ‘thank-yous’ in return. However, you also pay the price for it, sometimes getting criticism or anger back, which really upsets you. Think about how you could set clear boundaries for yourself when it comes to these relationships. Saying ‘yes’ to everyone means you’re actually saying ‘no’ to your own needs, which ultimately leads to resentment. Ask yourself, what other nice things you could be doing with your time and resources.
When protecting our own needs, we need to be okay with conflict sometimes – without feeling anxious or guilty. Doing the right thing sometimes means allowing others to work out a solution for themselves. Get comfortable with stepping back from other’s worries and focusing on you – and see your anxiety levels and overall happiness soar.
6 steps to setting healthy boundaries
1. Listen to your body
Our bodies always give us signals when we’re close to reaching our emotional limit. Did you feel your jaw tighten or your fists clench? Maybe you broke into a sweat? For some it’s a dry throat, others a tight feeling in the pit of their stomach. Whatever the cue, listen to what your body is telling you and spend some time trying to figure out exactly what why you feel so uncomfortable and pushed to your limits.
2. Work out your priorities
Never forget that your time is both a valuable resource and a limited one. If you try to please everyone, you’ll not only end up in burnout but also deny yourself the pleasure of experiencing something fun or relaxing for yourself. Write a list of priorities – including necessities and things that just make you happy – and compare it to what you’re spending your time and energy on in real time. If there is a big gap, then that’s where you need to begin setting some clear boundaries.
3. Be clear about what you mean
Practice saying ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something. Start with a small, easy no and work up from there. Remember there is no need to explain yourself or offer an excuse. Just saying ‘Thanks, but I can’t this time’ or even just: ‘No, thank you’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
4. Accept you might feel uncomfortable at first
If you’re not used to setting clear boundaries, you may find yourself feeling anxious or guilty when you point out your personal limit. This is normal but the more you do it, the easier it will become. Taking a few deep breaths to calm your mind before speaking can really help.
5. Be prepared for negatively
Don’t be surprised if some people react badly to you pushing back and saying no for a change. People who have been used to you saying yes to them to everything have been taking advantage of your good nature or worse have a controlling or manipulative personality will not enjoy you setting a boundary when they are used to getting their own way. But stand firm and don’t waver. It’s not your job to make it okay for them. They will deal with it. Learn to let it go.
6. Stay flexible
It’s normal to have different boundaries for different people and types of relationships, but be open to the idea they may shift over time. As long as you feel comfortable, it’s fine to reassess boundaries from time to time – as being too rigid can be as problematic as being too pliable. Getting them right for you is the key – and of course accepting the boundaries of other people in your life.
Breathe easy Practise this easy, but effective breathing technique to restore calm: Relax all the muscles in your body and consciously slow your breathing rate by half. Close your eyes and inhale through your nose, filling your belly with air. Hold for five seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeated 20 times, this will bring your pulse rate down and ensure stress ebbs away.
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