Kinky. The word can conjure up unsavory images: leather-clad ne’er-do-wells brandishing whips, the Gimp in Pulp Fiction, the terrible dialogue in Fifty Shades of Grey.
It makes you wonder: Who needs to go to all that trouble? After all, all sex is good sex, at least at the beginning of a relationship when your connection with your partner is still fresh. On the other hand, as the years pass, it’s common for couples to find that their sex lives have become lackluster, worn edgeless by routine and complacency. That’s where the importance of adding a little kink to your sex life comes in.
Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to crank up the kink and add a little —or a lot — of spice to your flat-lined sex life. We spoke with sexual health experts and surveyed more than 2000 women about their favorite kinky sex tips. Our favorite stat: more than 70% of women said they were “game to try” something kinky, and 21.5% said they were downright “excited” by the prospect.
Consider this a fun starter guide to kink’s simpler pleasures. You’re welcome.
How to talk about kinky sex
It might be daunting to have a conversation about trying something new in bed before you’re actually, you know, in bed. But it’s crucial nonetheless: if you pull out your new moves in the moment, your partner might be caught totally off guard, and no one wants that.
Here’s a smarter idea: Discuss your ideas and turn-ons before you hit the lights.
Start the conversation over a glass of wine at dinner—or in some other setting where you’re both comfortable and relaxed, suggests Sadie Allison, a doctor of human sexuality and author of The Mystery of the Undercover Clitoris.
It might be easier to begin this talk with relatively tame fantasies or role-playing ideas, says Allison. It may also help to ask her what she’s into first. That way, you’re making it about her desires as well as your own, she adds. When it’s your turn to share, be positive and confident about what you’re into. If you make a big deal about asking, or if you look terrified once you make the request, that could freak your partner out.
Also, be clear that you’re not expecting this every time you do it—only once in a while as a change of pace. “Most people can cope with doing kinky things consistently but irregularly,” says Tracey Cox, a U.K.-based sex expert and best-selling author. “Few want to do it every single session.”
And, above all else, don’t force things, Cox warns. If you’ve told her you’re interested in something and she says it’s not for her, putting up a fight won’t change her mind.
How to prepare for kinky sex
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Watching porn or reading erotica together may help charge you both up and make it easier to discuss new ideas, Allison says. If that sounds weird, just remember that Fifty Shades of Grey was a bestseller for a reason, and it wasn’t because men were reading it. The chances are good your that partner’s interested in this stuff even if she’s never discussed it with you. And it’s a lot easier to simply say “I like that” while watching or reading about sex than it is to describe your fantasy in detail.
Once you’ve agreed on some new moves, split your new sex initiatives into “his” nights and “her” nights, Allison recommends. Starting with her desires may be a good way to show her this is about the both of you, which will make her more enthusiastic when it’s your turn.
It might also be helpful to ditch the kids. Dropping them off with your parents or getting away to a hotel for a night can help you and your partner disconnect from your distractions, Allison says. (A hotel is also a good idea because new settings can ease your transition into new experiences.)
How to have kinky sex
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Now that you and your partner are on the same page, there are plenty of ways to to actually go about getting down with a little more flair than usual.
1) Tie each other up.
You don’t have to use handcuffs or chains to to add some kink to your sex life (though if you’re interested in finding a pair, we love these silk chain link cuffs from the LELO Confession Couples’ Gift Set, $159.) You can start pretty small with some light bondage and restraint play.
“There is a sense of being erotically overwhelmed that comes along with being restrained, and many women find it quite passionate,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned-and-operated sex toy empire. “Women are encouraged to understand themselves as objects of desire, and through bondage and restraint, there’s an acting out of that.”
During one of your romps, use your hands to restrain hers above her head. If she seems to like that (go ahead, ask), consider taking it further the next time around. Grab neckties, silk scarves, or a pair of stockings. Use gentle knots and give yourself access to all areas. Then resume what you were doing. Only slower.
“One time during sex, my husband said, ‘Okay, you don’t get to use your hands,’ and that really added a whole new level,” says Carley, 26. “We would take turns: He would hold on to the headboard and I’d do my thing, then we’d switch. I like feeling that he could just have his way with me and I’d be powerless to stop him. It’s total trust, and that’s sexy.”
2) Try some light spanking.
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Spanking can absolutely liven things up. In fact, 25% of Americans have fantasized about being spanked during sex. “How hard one should spank depends on the person,” says Emma Taylor, one half of the sex blogger duoEm and Lo. “Always err on the side of reserve, and gradually build up.” Start with a light tap. If she laughs, laugh along with her. Consider a moan permission to continue.
3) Have a safe word.
If you want to take it a few steps further and ramp up your play, just make sure you agree on a safe word ahead of time. “Saying no might be an integral part of the fantasy, so make sure your safe word is something totally out of context,” says sex educator Jamye Waxman. Try something like “peanut butter,” “Seattle,” or “toy boat.”
4) Dabble in role play.
Role play requires a herculean suspension of disbelief, but it can also pay off in a big way. Many popular roles (boss/secretary, teacher/student, stripper/customer) play on the theme of one person being in control, while the other is at his or her mercy. “These are strong dynamics, even in healthy and fun sexual relationships,” says Jean Mone, a New York City sex therapist. “They allow the woman and the man to enact their fantasies in a way that won’t leave them feeling vulnerable.”
For a public thrill, go to a bar where neither of you will be recognized. Arrive 20 minutes apart and try to pick her up, pretending you’ve never laid eyes on each other. Always wanted to blatantly hit on a hot stranger? Now you can. You’re not going for an Emmy here—just great sex.
“We did it as a goof, giggling when we first met at the bar,” says Julia, 24. “But after we realized how much the scenario was making the dynamic between us different, we quickly set the scene for some of the most memorable sex either of us has ever had. The role play allowed me to show a different side of myself that both of us enjoyed. We summon my inner hussy on a monthly basis now!”
What to do when you’re done
In the end, remember that your relationship is more important than the experience you’re having in the moment, Cox says. Give your partner a gentle hug and a kiss afterward, and tell her how much you enjoyed yourself. Sometime in the next few days, talk about what you both liked — and what you didn’t — to ensure you walk away from the new experience feeling satisfied and willing to try it again soon.
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